All relationships are based on an exchange of energy. A Toxic Tie is one where the connection drains you of personal power.
By Annabella Roig
I loved my mother.
I loved being close to her, enjoying her exactly as she was.
As she progressed through her Parkinson’s, I was so glad to have done the work I did so I could be present for this, for us.
She passed away in 2016 so my love and devotion for her has changed in form and expression. However, it was NOT always that way. As a matter of fact, it was not that way until I passed my mid 40s, curious about how it was that I STILL could not stand to be in the same room with her, becoming curious about how every conversation we had ended in an argument, and for me, in frustration. I was becoming more curious about what was it I was still looking for from this person that I was not getting. How was it that I could love this person and not like her. Everyone else liked her, even my two younger sisters seemed ok with her – I later learned each of us on our own journey. More on that another time.
I later discovered the name for it—a “Toxic Tie”. Yes, that seemed to really describe my experience. My mother’s voice was everywhere. It was a voice in my head that approved or disapproved of every decision I made. It showed up in ways I could not control. Will she approve of this dress, Will she approve of this boyfriend, Will she approve of this career, job, even office environment! I remember one day taking her to my job and I could see the look of disappointment. “Is this where you work? I thought it would be a fancy office!” Thought I loved my job at the time, I was embarrassed.
When we got together, for a family event, or a visit to Queens, from my Bronx, in NY, there was an eyebrow raised.. You’re wearing that? When did you last do your eyebrows? Part of me knew she was well meaning but these interactions more often than not devolved into an argument.. I rebelled, I wore black to visit her on purpose. The question was, Did I always want to wear black?
I learned through Katherine and Calling in “The One” and a book I read ages ago, the Celestine Prophecy, that all relationships are based on an exchange of energy. A toxic tie is one where the connection drains you of personal power. In my mother’s presence, the experience was one of drain. I felt dread to see her, I wanted happy healthy love.
I wanted acceptance, I wanted approval. And I could not get that from her. I also noticed how I was not giving that to myself.This took a long time to notice. I also knew If I wanted happy healthy love in my life, I knew that I needed to start here.
After the Parkinson’s diagnosis, I knew my time was limited. I was committed to understanding, to knowing and to releasing this tie, but how? And one day, in the blink of an eye, it happened. I called my mother for a check in. She answered the phone with a sarcastic “So I am finally getting a call from my daughter. How easy it is to forget you have a mother.”
I could feel the anger coming up and something switched off in me. “I responded. I don’t like the way this started. So I am going to do the following: I am going to hang up and am going to call again. And this time, when you answer the phone you are going to say, Oh! What a surprise! How wonderful to hear from you! How are you my dear daughter (mijita!). And she laughed a hearty laugh. She said, no, no, you don’t have to do that. And we talked for a bit that day. And I hung up almost stunned. What had just happened. We never danced that toxic dance again for the next 15 years I had with her. I did not seek her approval, I did not need anything from her. I could love her as she was.
Meditation and journaling exercise:
Set aside at least fifteen minutes. I invite you also to return to this excercies again and again as you work through different people in your life.
Take out your journal and favorite pen. I have a favorite pen u use to write with. It brings me satisfaction to hold it and a certain ritual experience to work with when I journal.
Do not limit your answers to romantic encounters.
Be open to what comes to mind.
Ask the question:
What relationship do I suspect may qualify as a “toxic tie”? and choose that one for
this series of questions.
1. What fear is dominating me in this relationship?
2. What obligation do I feel compelled to fulfill?
3. In what ways am I allowing myself to be manipulated by feelings of guilt and/or
shame?
4. What does this relationship reflect in my relationship to myself?
5. What must I give up to restore my own sense of personal power? (ex. Need for
approval, fear of loss)
6. What boundary could I set that would increase health and a sense of wellness in
this relationship.
Sit with this for a few minutes. Become curious about your next steps.
Sources
Calling in “The One”, Katherine Woodward Thomas 2021
The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield, 1993
Annabella Roig Coaching Studios, LLC
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