Relationships are not stagnant

All cars come with small icons that tell us when something might be going on. Tire pressure might be low. It may be time for an oil change. The gas tank is runing low. Unfortunately, not all things in life come with warning signs that glare at us and make all the right noises. This includes relationships. 

Relationships are NOT stagnant - they are made up of individuals who are growning, aging, learning, and changing so it would behoove us to understand our relationships shift as well. Anyone married several decades will attest to such truths. However, most cultures do not have specifici moments or ways of checking in. On the contrary, most cultures just have these milestone-markers like weddings or anniversaries to conmemorate the decisions of being together and those are often shared moments with other community members - but what happens between the couples, tends to be a mystery or at least not a topic of conversation in many cultures. Again, on the contrary, some relationship markers come with loaded expectations like growing a family or caring for aging parents in particular ways and these come with incredibly difficult pressures that often drive partners away from one another. It is true that in some cultures, marriages and families are a part of specific obligations that impact many people beyond the ones in the covenantal relationship, but even in those, how can a couple check in? 

Here are some tips for you to have a Relationship Check in of your own and ensure your relationship is where you want it to be.

Mark Your Calendars.  There need not be a mystery. Agree to check in with an interval that makes sense for your relationship. Every relationship is unique. Some relationships are less communicative. Some couples do not reside in the same spaces for any number of reasons. What is helpful to anyone in a relationship is an agreeded upon time/date. It can be hard to bring up anything if we never make time for it, but once we have a time/day to gring forth thoughts, our hearts and minds have an easier time carrying things and it gives us all an opportunity to think through what is important and prepare to bring it to our partners.

Revisit Why This Matters. If you have decided on checking in, there likely is clarity as to why this time is important. Bring those reasons forward and keep them as “front-and-center” as you can while you dsicuss things in this moment. We remain committed to loving one another in sickness & health… for as long as we both shall live. We understand a new thing has emerged between us (new diagnosis, life event, etc). Our families has new needs. Our (type of) intimicy matters to us.  (Financial, emotional, spiritual, etc). Keeping your common reason before you helps remind one another that this moment is intentional, important, and worth your time and attention. 

Take Turns Sharing. Everyone wants to be heard and for that, we must respect time and invite one another to share equally. This might mean holding a timer so the more verbouse maintain awareness of the time they are taking and so it validates the importance of both partners equally.

Be Clear. These moments are crucial and ought not be filled with too many metaphores or unclear language. Help one another use clear feeling words and imagery when necessary but clarity when talking about any specific difficulty or problem. I do not feel right is usually not enough for your partner to go on if what you feel is discomfort in initiating connection or feel unsafe with your partner’s habits or you feel alone in caretaking. Be clear, which may mean, take time to prepare if you are not an external processor. This is not the time to bring a long laundry list and if this is your first time practicing this with your partner, I highly recommend a time limit so neither partner feels insecure and more nervous about how long this will be. 

Be Brave. It is scary to voice new things. Begin and end with verbalizing a committment to the partnership - I am doing this because I care, I am committed to this marriage and that’s why I am bringing this up, I want to see us flourish as a partnership and this is why… Interject these reminders as you feel you need to. Being vulnerable can be very uncomfortable so courage will be necessary but your relationship deserves your bravery.

Listen well. The best way to confirm you heard what your partner said correctly, is to repeat what you heard back to them and ask them to confirm. In this vulnerable moment, make sure you heard what you think you heard. This becomes incredibly more difficult when your partner says something that you are sensitive about or have never heard anyone say before.

Do not rush. There can always be more time. You can add a check-in any time you need it or split this check in into one of two sessions for yourselves. It is more important to get things right, even if they take longer, than to get nothing covered well. Anything you bring up will be better than not bringing up anything at all.

Quick Wins. Ask your partner what you can do today to show them support, love, & connection. While you may determine that you might want to take on a large issue (e.g., infertility treatment or relocation, etc), do not lose sight of the “smaller quick wins” available to us in our partnerships every day. Perhaps it is, “pick up dog food on the way home” or “listen for the kids while i take a quiet bath with earphones on” or “will you wear headphones when you watch TV.” Maybe nothing comes to mind at first, but give special attention to these small things that do add up and create sparks in all relationships drawing us closer as security and trust is built. 

Healthy relationships are built and nurtured over time with one loving connection at a time. For more ideas follow up with us for a consultation and follow us on social media…. :-P 

By Alexandra Zareth